BIG B’S BAR BREAKDOWN

Aug 27, 2013 by

BIG B’S BAR BREAKDOWN

 

If you know me or if you’ve read even a little of this blog, you probably realize that I am over qualified to discuss the ins and outs of a bar.  In fact, on my Linked In profile I list this quality above all of my other skills (not really).  After all I have spent more of my time in bars than I ever have at a desk.  And this isn’t even so much because of my love of bars, but more so because of my loathing of a 9-5.  It probably also helps that I spent time as both a bartender and a professional poker player.  Not a whole lot of time spent in a cubicle doing those jobs!

 

Now, in the following post I’m going to do a breakdown of the type of people you are likely to see at bars.  I know, I’m not the first to do this, but mine will be the best.  Most of them try to be too specific:  “The next type of guy you see at a bar wears a Stetson, plays Mumford and Sons, likes girls named Julie and drinks his Maker’s Mark with 2 ice cubes.”  We get it, you are trying to describe a hipster.  But lets’ be honest, your too cool description of him actually makes you look like you are trying to be a hipster.

 

The other way I’ve seen these articles go is where they are too general.  “So I went to a bar last week and it was 80% Headbangers and 20% Neo-Cons!”  Really?  Headbangers and Neo-Cons were hanging at the same bar?  And not only that, they took up exactly 100% of the population.  Doubt it, dude writing the article.

 

Not every college female drinks a Vodka Soda, and not every guy going for his PHD knows what the best Vodka is.  By the way, this is….

 

So, I’m not going to ramble about the 80 types of people who come into a bar “He whistles instead of sings, drinks Gin and tonics, appreciates dimples, and is named Keith”, but I also realize that there are more than two types.  I will also list a percentage of the people who go to the bars I go to.  Obviously, if you are talking Hollywood, then the percentage of Douchebags would go up.  If you were talking Greenwich Village, the amount of Hipsters would go up!  You get the idea.  For my purposes here, I am describing a local bar.  One in where a lot of people live around it, and there’s a good core of regulars.  OK, without further ado:

 

I now present “BIG B’S 8 TYPES OF BAR REGULARS.”

 

z31.  THE REGULAR GUY/GIRL55%.  The thing that bothers me most of all about these types of lists is that they discount the regular people.  The majority of people who go to bars are good people.  Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep going back and back.  I describe a regular guy/girl as someone who comes out to have a good time.  He/she can talk sports, pop culture, can play a game of beer pong, etc.  A regular old person!  He comes with friends

 

 

zzz999999and knows how to take care of his/her bartenders and waitresses.  He or she would not mind hooking up but they don’t go out of their way hitting on every single person of the opposite sex who is intoxicated.  You can sit down and have a conversation with these people.  They are not banging off walls cause they are high on coke, and they don’t move spots every time a hot girl walks into a bar.  By the way, I consider myself to fit in this group.  And most of my friends fit in this also.  And yes, these are my LA friends in these photos!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

zz7872. HIPSTER.  10.31%.  They told me 10.31 is cooler than 10.  I’ve already made a bit of fun to Hipsters, but to me they are someone who thinks they are hip.  They think they are hip because they bought the latest Bon Iver album, because they have the coolest new facial hair (have to have facial hair to be a hipster), or because you are wearing the cool new suspenders or sweater.  I didn’t go to class much but I remember it was Rene Descartes who said “I think therefore I am.”  This should be the Hipsters motto.  Because they think something is the coolest, makes it so.  Hate to burst your bubble hipsters, but not knowing your cool is the real cool.

 

 

 

 

 

 

z83. SLUTTY/DRUNK GIRL. 8%.  We’ve all seen the slutty girl at the bar (and likely at our homes later).  They don’t really care about the bar, the people, or the music.  They care about getting drunk and getting laid, usually in that order.  They are getting moist one way or the other.  It’s once they become drunk that they will inevitably get laid.  They often have a short skirt attached to their upper thigh, they will go up to random guys, and worst of all, often hope to get their drinks bought for them.  They tend also to be high-maintenance when it comes to ordering a drink “Can I get a strawberry-banana daiquiri margarita blended on the rocks.”  They are to ordering drinks at bars as Hipsters are to ordering coffee at Starbucks.

 

 

z14.  DOUCHEBAGS.  8%.  It’s only fair that we have the same number of douchebags as we do slutty/drunk girls.  The douchebags like to box girls in like they are straight out of NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY.  Luckily, you find a lot more of these guys at clubs and not so much at real bars.  When they do come to the local bar, they are inevitably overdressed and their hair is over done.  They are always offering to buy girls drinks, and they can’t sit still and have a conversation, so they are always on the move.  They are like a pack of piranhas and just like them they also come in groups.  They love to name drop, and they are some of the people who still have money clips (and they like showing those off.)  They used to wear Ed Hardy and then graduated to Affliction.  Can’t wait to see what is next!

 

 

 

 

 

 

z75.  MARRIED COUPLE.  7%.  The Married Couple hardly ever gets out of hand.  They are usually responsible, and always have big plans for the next day.  BED, BATH, AND BEYOND, ANYONE?  They are generous and can handle their alcohol.  They seem perfect, huh?  Almost.  They always kind of have that sarcastic edge to them.  “When are you going to settle down Gary?”  “Susie, what ever happened to Rick, you guys were a good couple.”  “Big B, you can do better than _________.”  Yeah, you get the idea!

 

 

 

 

z56.  CREEPY GUY.  6%.  If a girl is left by herself for more than 5 seconds than creepy guy will appear out of nowhere.  You might say that sounds just like the Douchebags, but the difference is that the Creepy Guy comes alone (in more ways than one).  He just surpasses the Douchebags in likelihood of roofying  a girl.  He’s also likely standing against the wall near the bar to take full advantage of the drunk girl who is hovering by the bar.  I wish we could combine the Douchebags with Creepy Guy like we did with Slutty/Drunk girl, but even the Douchebags think Creepy Guy is a bit strange.

 

 

 

z67. TROUBLE.  4%.  Trouble is the guy who walks into the bar just looking for, yeah you guessed it, trouble.  He’s the guy from Dazed and Confused who says “I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer.  Looks like we’re about out of beer.”  He’s the type of guy who would rather get in a wrestling match/fight with a guy then take home a girl.  That’s real masculine buddy!  By the way there percentage skyrockets way past 33% whenever there is a boxing match or worse, a UFC event.  In fact, at a UFC event Trouble and the Douchebags take up approximately 75% of the bar.  Which coincidentally is the percentage of people wearing Ed Hardy and Affliction shirts.

 

z58. THE WHINER. 2%.  Usually a girl.  This place sucks.  Can’t we go somewhere else.  There’s no good looking guys here.  This drink is so weak.  Can’t we go to the club.  My heels hurt.  The last bar was much better.  Oh my god, Hollywood is sooooo much better.

 

 

 

 

 

In a future post I will discuss the bar people who annoy me the most.  FOOTBALL GUY! (He’s 5’8″ and 340 pounds and probably couldn’t throw a football 20 yards but if you dare talk to him about the Jets during his game he’ll flip out) and even worse KNOW IT ALL GUY (The guy who knows every percentage in every drink.  Actually a Margarita is supposed to have 62.38% tequila, you poured about 60%.  YEAH….  And he always sounds like the boss from Office Space.)  But that will be next time….

 

I’d like to give a shout out to a few people.  First, go check out the The Red Show on morelikeradio.com  They are on Wednesdays at 9 eastern.  They remind me of this blog and they have a great back and forth if you listen to them live.  Lots of F-Bombs, but c’mon we’re all grown ups here.  Be sure to check them out, I promise you will be entertained!  And if you are on Twitter, start following @akaPRock Thanks!

 

Second, those of you who know me know I drink Jack or Vodka.  Well Jack may be taking a back seat because Blue Angel Vodka is out of this world.  I just had it for the first time and hopefully will have a long relationship with them.  And to all of my SF friends, it’s in like 50 bars in the city so make sure to ask for it.  You’ll find me having one too.

 

Finally, do me a favor and go check out hypedbuzz.com They provide lots of entertainment options like streaming movies, etc. and they only just started.  You can say you knew about it before it blew up.

 

Until next time guys…..

 

Big B

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