May 25, 2013 by



8 a.m.  “I’m never drinking again.  I know I’ve said it before but I’m serious this time.  I have to work in an hour, what the hell was I thinking I would go out for just a few beers on Sunday Funday.  I never just go out for a few beers.  I’m a fucking idiot!  Shit, can I call in sick?  No, my boss knows I go out on Sundays, he’d know I was just hungover.  It’s 2013, hasn’t someone invented a fucking hangover cure yet. Fuck football season, fuck bottomless mimosas, and fuck Monday mornings.  OK, I’m going to stop drinking for at least a month.  It’s going to be nice when I stay in this weekend and all my friends have to deal with a hangover like this.  Alright fuck it, I’ll go to work, but I’m going to have like 5 cups of coffee first.  I feel like complete shit.”

Noon:  “Is it seriously only noon? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.  I feel like I’ve been at work for like 20 hours.  I want to kill my boss, this 5 hour energy and coffee aren’t working.  Well at least I know I’m going on the wagon for a long time.  I hate Mondays!”

5 p.m.  “Hey Big B, there’s a Monday Night Football game tonight, you want to meet up for a drink?”   “No, fuck off!”



“OK, the worst of it is over.  I was too hungover last night to work out, but tonight I’ll hit up the gym and I’ll sweat off this weekend.  Then I’ll start feeling like myself again.  And maybe I don’t have to go a whole month without drinking, but at least 2 weeks.  That’s going to happen for sure.  Can’t have another hangover at work like I did yesterday, that was so brutal!”



“I’m feeling like myself again.  Those 45 minutes on the treadmill last night did wonders.  Although I think I sweated off about 10 pounds of booze.  I wonder if the people around me could smell the booze.  I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that for at least another week.  And a week is going to be the least I go without drinking, I still may go longer.  I mean who really wants to go a month or 2 weeks without drinking.  What am I going to meet a girl at the grocery store and have sober sex?  Haha, yeah right.”



“I feel like a fucking bad ass right now.  That girl at work was definitely checking me out, and the girl who works at Starbucks couldn’t take her eyes off of me.  I’m back in the zone, maybe I should go out for a few beers tonight and see what ladies are out.  Oh that’s right, that girl Julie is usually out on Thursdays.  She’s so beautiful, and she seems so wholesome.  Definite marriage material…..Shit, I said I was going to go a month without drinking and here I am wanting to go out again.  Why are Thursdays always the toughest days to decide if I should go out or not.  Fuck!  Alright, I’ll be a good boy and stay in.  Julie can wait.”



Noon:  “This is going to be a great day.  The sun is out, I get off at 4 today.  Also, I’ve got two birthdays this weekend and a couple of friends coming into town.  I know I said I wasn’t going to drink, but shit, I’ve been good since Sunday, I’ve worked out the last 3 days, and I didn’t even go out last night when I easily could have.  I deserve to have some fun.”

4 p.m.:  Facebook status update: “Guess who’s off of work early!  That’s right motherfuckers.  If anyone wants to meet me for Happy Hour, you know where to find me.”

6 p.m.  “I think the buzz just kicked in.  Isn’t booze the best.  I’ve got a bunch of my friends here, it’s 2 for 1 drinks, and I’m still getting the looks from the girls today.  I feel like Vince Vaughn in Swingers.  I’m so money.”

10 p.m. :  “Another bar?  Why the hell not!”

11 p.m. :  “On to the next bar?  OK, let’s do it!”

12 a.m project planning software. :  “We’re going to another bar again?  Is this some pub crawl I didn’t know about?”

2 a.m. “Where’s the after party?  Can’t believe it’s already 2.  Shit, this day went quick……”



Noon:  “Can’t believe I woke up to 4 missed calls and 7 texts. Hmmm, maybe that’s because it’s already noon.  Oh shit, that’s right I went to an after hour party and didn’t get home till 4 a.m.  At least I got 8 hours in.  OK, what’s the plan for today?  I definitely should have gotten laid last night…..Shouldn’t have started with that hard booze so early.  Beer only today.  That girl I was talking too said she’d be back out tonight.  Let’s make this happen.”

8 p.m.  “There’s that girl and she’s talking to some other dude.  Dammit, I fucked up my chances.  If only I had been sober.  Fuck, I hate alcohol!” Bartender: “Would you like anything to drink?”  “Shit, it is Saturday.  I’ll take a Jack and Coke, thanks.”

2 a.m. “Where’s the after party?”



Noon:  “Oh, my head hurts!  Good thing we couldn’t get an after party going, I’d feel even worse.  Look at all these texts.  ‘FOOTBALL!’  ‘NINERS are on at 1!’   ‘Get here you pussy!’.  Well I am a red blooded American and I like my football so I’m going to watch my team at a bar.  I’ll just have a few beers though, since I work tomorrow.  Yes bartender, I’ll have a Bud Light.  Oh, really it’s all you can drink Mimosa’s till 4?  OK, sure I’ll try that.  Go Niners!  Don”t booze and football just go together so well.  Man, I’m having an awesome time.  Do I want a shot to celebrate the Niners victory?  Your damn fucking right I do.  Woo, go Niners!  Sunday Funday is seriously the best day of the week.  Look at all these sexy girls in their jerseys!  Here comes one of those girls right now…..More like Sunday Fuckday.  Damn, she’s beautiful and she’s got like 7 friends with her.  Perfect.”

6 p.m. :  “Sunday Funday is winding down…..Another great day.  I’ll probably head home in the next 45 minutes though.  Got to go to work tomorrow and don’t want to be as hungover as last Monday.  I’ll be asleep by 9 p.m.”

10 p.m. :”Where the hell did the day go?  And why does that girl have to have like 7 girlfriends with her, all crowding around her.  That table is tougher to penetrate than the Berlin Wall and Great Wall of China combined.  All right, I should get home, I have to work tomorrow.  I’ll get to sleep by 11, that’s not too bad.”

Midnight:  “Alright, I’m officially out of here.  Later bartenders I know, later random people I met today, later girls table that I couldn’t get near.  Time for me to walk home…………..”Hey Niners fan, you want to celebrate the victory with a shot of Jaegar?”…..”Why not!  One more won’t kill me!”



8 a.m.  “I’m never drinking again!”



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