Sep 10, 2013 by


Jesus finds himself in modern times, and is told by several people that he is in good shape and must spend a lot of time at the gym.  He is curious what a gym is so he asks someone and they direct him to his local 24 hour fitness……





Jesus walks up to the front desk where a cute young girl is working

JESUS: “I’ve heard a lot of good things about this place.  I was wondering if I could get a tour?”

CUTE GIRL: “Sure.  I’ll have Rick and Dmitri show you around.”

Out from another room walk out two guys who are both about 6’5″ and 270 pounds.  They both have huge necks, massive arms, and both dwarf Jesus.  They are your stereotypical Meatheads.

MEATHEAD #1:  “So you want to see what we’ve got?”

JESUS: “Yeah, just curious.”

MEATHEAD #1: “Alright, let’s take a look around.”

The two meatheads start showing Jesus around the gym.

MEATHEAD #2: “So what’s your name Bro?”

JESUS: “My name is Jesus.”

MEATHEAD #!: “That’s cool!  A lot of best friends are Mexican.  It’s nice to meet you HAY-sus.”

JESUS: “No, I’m Jesus of Nazareth.”

MEATHEAD #2: “Nazareth?  I’ve never heard of it Bro.  Is that near Mexico City?”

JESUS: “No, I’m from the Middle East.”

MEATHEAD #1: “Wow, you are pretty light skinned for being from the Middle East.”

JESUS: “I would always wear SPF 50 whenever I went outside.”

MEATHEAD #2: “Really Bro?”

JESUS: “That was a joke.”


11111212131231They show Jesus some of the mats and he takes his shirt off and starts doing some sit-ups with them.

MEATHEAD #1: “You have some great abs, how did you get those?”

JESUS: “Atoning for all of your sins…..”

MEATHEAD #2: “No, he means what works out do you do Bro?”

JESUS: “Well one of the things that I had to do was spread my arms and legs wide on a cross and this is done for hours upon end.  Your arms and legs are extended as far as they possibly can and you can’t move because your legs and arms are nailed to the cross.”

MEATHEAD #!: “That’s not very funny.”

Jesus shows him the scars on his arms.

MEATHEAD #2: “That’s intense Bro.  You really are dedicated.”


They take him over to the bench press and Jesus does several repetitions on an extremely high weight.

MEATHEAD #1: “Damn buddy, you really have a strong chest as well!  What type of workouts did you do to be able to bench 345 pounds twenty times in a row like that?”

JESUS: “Well I was buried under 6 feet of soil and over the course of three days I was able to rise from that predicament.  Can you imagine the resistance with 6 feet of soil buried on top of you and you constantly have to keep pushing it up with your chest for 3 days….That’s why that bar and those weights feel like nothing to me!”

MEATHEAD #2: “You have some crazy workout habits Bro.”

JESUS: “I like how you keep saying the word Bro.  Is that because you feel a kinship with all of your fellow brothers of this world and in humanity as a whole?”

MEATHEAD #2: “What are you talking about Bro?”

JESUS: “Yeah, I guess not.”



They continue showing him around the gym and pointing out different exercise equipment.  They point at one where you have to contort yourself into a little ball to use it.

MEATHEAD #1: “That machine is the devil!”

JESUS: “Well, he has been known to take the form of an inanimate object every now and then.”

MEATHEAD #1: “Hahaha.”

Meathead #1 looks at Meathead #2 as if to say ‘I have no idea what he’s talking about.’

MEATHEAD #2: “Did your Dad get you into working out Bro?”

JESUS: “No, he didn’t really work out.  He was more of a builder.”

MEATHEAD #1: “That’s cool.  What did he build?”

Jesus raises his arms up to signify the whole world……

JESUS: “All of this!”

MEATHEAD #2: “He built this whole 24 hour fitness? Wow Bro, that is awesome!”

MEATHEAD #1: “Hope we get to meet him someday.”

JESUS: “Doubtful.”

MEATHEAD #1: “What was that?”

JESUS: “I said, yeah I hope so.”

red wineThey start showing Jesus some of the treadmills and Elipticals.

MEATHEAD #1: “So what diet are you on to keep you so lean and strong at the same time?”

JESUS: “Just red wine and bread.”

MEATHEAD #2: “All those carbs Bro!  I gotta say I don’t like the sound of that.  Is it some new Fad Diet?”

JESUS: “No, it has been around for over 2000 years.”

MEATHEAD #1: “Is anyone else on that diet?”

JESUS: “There’s still a lot of people who do it on Sunday mornings….and some who do it once a year at Midnight on Christmas.”

MEATHEAD #2: “You lost me again Bro!”

MEATHEAD #1: “And what’s with the no shoes Jesus?”

JESUS: “I may have to walk on water later if Moses doesn’t part the lake on my walk home.”

MEATHEAD #1: “Moses Malone?”

JESUS: “No, just Moses.  Not a lot of my friends have last names.”

MEATHEAD #2: “No last names Bro?  You guys were like a bunch of Brazilian soccer players.  Jesus passes to Moses and he scores.  GOOOOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!”

Meathead #2 looks around for a laugh but is met with an awkward silence.

<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-1724" alt="judas2" src="×300 Get the facts.jpg” width=”226″ height=”300″ srcset=”×300.jpg 226w, 455w” sizes=”(max-width: 226px) 100vw, 226px” /> They show Jesus a few more things and start walking back towards the front desk.

MEATHEAD #1: “Well Jesus, I really hope you join this 24 hour fitness.  You are obviously in great shape and with our help I think you could get even fitter and even stronger.”

MEATHEAD #2: “No doubt Bro.”

JESUS: “Well I’ll think about it guys.  Thank you for showing me around.”

As they walk towards the front a girl in spandex bends over near them.

MEATHEAD #1: “Look at Jude’s ass.”

JESUS: “That asshole!!!!”

MEATHEAD #1: “We just call it an ass, but yes Judy has a great ass.”

JESUS: “Oh, I thought you said Judas.”


Jesus is getting ready to leave and Meathead #1 hands him a business card.

MEATHEAD #1: “Here’s my business card.  I also have my social media addresses on there.  I have 800 friends on Facebook and like 5000 followers on Twitter.  How about you?”

JESUS: “I have hundreds of millions of followers across the world.”

MEATHEAD #1: “You have millions of followers?  Wow, you are bigger than Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, or Rob Delaney.”

JESUS: “I’ve never heard of those people.”

MEATHEAD #1: “That’s the coolest thing you’ve said all day Jesus.”

JESUS: “Thanks.  Gotta go guys.  I have some sins I have to go absolve.”

Jesus shakes the hands of the two meatheads, thanks them again, and walks out of the 24 hour fitness….


The two meatheads watch him leave.

MEATHEAD #1: “Nice guy, but ‘Walking on Water’ and ‘Absolving Sins.’  Aiming a little high, aren’t we Jesus?  And if he had millions of followers, I would have heard of him.”

MEATHEAD #2: “For sure Bro!”



Remember, when you are not drinking red wine, go and try the best vodka around: . If you try it once, you will see what all the talk is about!

And to my multitude of woman followers out there, be sure to check out my friend Chelsea’s fashion blog:

Until next time…..

Big B

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