THE WORST POEM OF ALL TIME

Jul 31, 2013 by

THE WORST POEM OF ALL TIME

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Friday, I was sitting at home working on a blog post entitled “Worse than Sharknado” about  some horrible movies I want to pitch to Hollywood, but got talked into going out instead.  I decided to replace “Worse than Sharknado” with a post about what happened on that night.  I have no idea what convinced me to turn it into a rhyme.

 

THE WORST POEM OF ALL TIME

 

It was Friday night at eight

and I wasn’t going out

but my friend Ben had three girls

which put my initial plans in doubt

 

There was a blond, a brunette

and a short, beautiful asian

which convinced me to go out

for this auspicious occasion

 

The asian girl was our driver

and she picked me up in her car

We drove into San Francisco

and we all bellied up to the bar

 

shots

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t remember who ordered the first shot

but I swear it wasn’t me

I just know that ten minutes later

we were already on round three

 

The seating worked out well

the asian was on my right

She said her name was Jade

as she smiled those pearly whites

 

The flirting was going well

She laughed at all the right times

Luckily when talking in real life

you don’t have to do these silly rhymes

 

One girl had to leave early

to go meet a different crew

which was fine with Ben and I

cause now we had groups of two

 

We were there a few hours

Time was flying by

Jade obviously liked me

I barely even had to try

 

The other girl who stayed

seemed to know what we were thinking

And said we should go to her house

and do a little more drinking

 

It was only a one bedroom

and I was about to say “Ouch”

but my mood suddenly brightened

when I saw a pull out couch

 

couch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben kept pouring shots

We probably had five rounds

but I was worried about Jade

who weighed maybe 100 pounds

 

I gave him the evil eye

and he finally got the clue

So he stopped serving shots

and handed everyone a brew

 

I could tell Jade was still into me

but she was a little drunk

If she kept on drinking

this wouldn’t be a slam dunk

 

Her friend had been awesome

brought us into her home

but now I was just hoping

she would leave me and Jade alone

 

Again, she sensed my feeling

cause she took Rob to the back

As long as Jade felt O.K.

everything was back on track

 

We started making out and then

her eyes rolled back in her head

which is what I would have hoped for

if we had been fooling around in bed

 

but not just from kissing her

so I knew she was feeling sick

So I poured her a glass of water

hoping that would do the trick

 

She stumbled to the bathroom and mumbled

“I’m going to be a great wife”

and just then she started puking

Ain’t that the story of my life

 

poetry1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She brushed her teeth and washed

I was keeping tally

then she sat back down next to me

She sure did ‘Puke and Rally’

 

She started feeling better

putting my hand on her breast

For a hundred pound asian

She had a decent chest

 

She wanted this to happen

was giving it the college try

but I knew it was about to end

when i heard her say “Oh my”

 

I looked at her face again

and you couldn’t miss the clue

as she scurried to the bathroom

for puking’s Round two

 

At that point I lost interest

time to cut my losses

As she put Crest in her mouth

and then she actually flosses

 

I laid her on the couch

told her I would take the floor

There would be no goodnight kiss

Even though I know she wanted more

 

Woke up in the morning

with everyone still asleep

walked out the front door

careful not to make a peep

 

If there’s one really good thing

that came from this night

It’s the fact that I had a blog

never came to light

 

She didn’t add me on Facebook,

didn’t get my last name

so with no further contact coming

I figure she’s fair game

 

She shouldn’t feel ashamed

a bit embarrassed at most

I chronicle worse things

in almost every blog post

 

poem12

 

 

 

 

 

 

Probably time to wrap things up

I’m running out of rhymes

50 Cent and Kanye, I’ll leave it

to you to drop the dimes

 

I’ll go back to writing my blog

fondly remembering the girl named Jade

And the time where her puking

prevented Big B from getting laid

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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